100 Days, Day 30: Month 1 Reflections
This is the part where it gets hard. One aspect of daily practice that I'm discovering, especially when I set a broader goal for myself than "make a sketch every day", is that I'm constantly running up against my own boundaries and limits. I guess the key is, once I hit them, to run through instead of away. I'm not sure if I'm succeeding at that right now.
I haven't done a reflection for the last two weeks, partly because I was out of town for one of them and very busy the other. To be completely honest, though, I've been avoiding reflecting because it involves facing some hard truths and making some hard decisions. I am afraid to do that, especially because I'm not sure I have the answers yet. But if there's one thing my therapist has encouraged me to do, it's run towards things I'm afraid of, so here goes.
MY LITANY OF FAILURES
After an initial burst of energy, I've largely fallen back on my old hundred days habits: noodling around on threejs sketches, seeing what comes to mind. While I'm glad for the daily practice, this isn't exactly what I'd hoped for out of this project.
I have not made any progress on migrating my archives over to this centralized base, mostly because I don't want to. It seems like a big task and I'm tired.
I have not "completed" a project, nor have I been writing as much as I'd hoped. I am afraid to put my work and my ideas out for public consumption, afraid to "finish" things and call them done.
Part of this, also, is my own economy of attention. I struggle with sticking with a project because I get bored, I want to work on other things, or it just seems like too much work. I'm a bit of a creative dilettante.
I feel afraid to finish the ideas I do have, and devoid of new ones. Generally, I feel overwhelmed, and the first thing I do in that position is rush to a comfortable space. Doing a ThreeJS sketch is still a much better habit than the ways I have historically coped with stress (drinking myself into oblivion, quitting, having panic attacks), but it's not where I'd like to be.
ON THE OTHER HAND, THAT'S ALL FINE
When I started this project, I realized I was functionally trying to document my own process of self-improvement. There is a point I am trying to improve from, and a point I have not reached yet. It is fine to not be the person I want to be yet.
In addition to this hundred days project, I have work and a freelance project, I've started taking a class, started a book club, traveled a bunch, and been making an effort to be a better partner and friend. I've been consistently sober for the first time in years. It's a lot! It's fine to be overwhelmed sometimes!
I am still sticking to the most important part, the part I thought would give me "wiggle room" but a big part of me seems to perceive as an out: doing something every day and putting it on my website. I haven't been publicly linking the sketches, but hey, they're on here!
I am trying to believe that it is about the journey, not the destination. As much as my own intrusive thoughts want me to believe I'm failing, I know I'm in a better place, and on a better path, than I was a month ago or a year ago. The last time I was this stressed out was last August, and that resulted in a mental breakdown. Pretty much anything is an improvement over that!
WHERE I GO FROM HERE
The big decision I am trying to make is whether I'm okay leaving the "archive excavation" portion of my initial plan behind. It's pretty clear that I don't want to do it, but I am trying to run towards my fears. Leaving this question open for now.
- One project I'm excited about and would like to move forward on: combining jit.si and Three to make video and audio-controlled multiplayer experiences.
- I've also done some interesting work on updating ToxicLibs.js for Three, which I'd like to put out into the world.
- Daily sketches: continue to build out my Three component library, eventually getting to the point where I can make a "good" sketch quickly.
- Brainstorm a project for Scrapism that I can also use in my daily practice.
- I now have a new router and would like to take a day to get the Raspberry Pi server set up.
- Dig further into TiddlyWiki, experiment with different ways of organizing notes and bookmarks.
- Auto-populate page with links to Three sketches. Go back and build old sketches, then link to them.
- Try self-hosted/Undersco.re Gitea